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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/28038633">to be human</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/jokingspeaker/pseuds/jokingspeaker'>jokingspeaker</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Bleach</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Self-Harm, Suicide Attempt, happy ending maybe? who knows, he feels empty; and wants to feel anything., kon is depressed, rated M for sex scenes</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-12-13</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-01-03</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-18 11:20:08</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Graphic Depictions Of Violence</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>5</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>5,327</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/28038633</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/jokingspeaker/pseuds/jokingspeaker</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Kon feels trapped. Trapped in the four walls of Ichigo's bedroom, trapped in the body of a stuffed animal, trapped in himself. He wants out.<br/>-<br/>A study into how Kon might experience the world, if the purposelessness of his life and the harsh treatment and ignorance he faced hurt him. If he longed to be a person, but was nothing but a worthless mod soul. In this story, he will try to feign humanity. And once he fails, he will lose himself... and his will to live. Ichigo and Rukia don't notice a thing... until it's too late.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>5</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. beige</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>I wrote this first chapter in 2017, found it in my notes. It interested me, so I'm picking it back up. I've also recently gotten into poetry, so there's a lot of verses here. Also, this story is entirely self-indulgent, so the writing isn't great. I'm just pouring words onto paper and leaving it. I hope you enjoy.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Ichigo's ceiling.</p><p>It was always the same color. It was always the same texture. Kon spent days and nights staring into the ceiling that never changed, silence screaming into his ears and the sweet lull of sleep never enveloping him.</p><p>Nothing ever changed.</p><p>At least, not until the sound of the soft click of the doorknob being turned reached his ears, and a boisterous Ichigo and Rukia barged into the room.</p><p>It always made him... <em>happy?</em> No, that wasn't the right word. It made him feel... <em>safe</em>. At least, in the sense of feeling. He felt secure when he was around Ichigo and Rukia. They were his home.</p><p>
  <em>It's not like he had anything else to call home.</em>
</p><p>"Rukia! You're back!" He exclaimed loudly, lunging toward Rukia for a hug. Her face distorted into annoyance as she lifted her leg up and stepped on his tiny stuffed body. He dramatically yelped and moved his limbs upwards to keep up his act.</p><p>He had to act this way. He had to be annoying, loud, and dramatic. If he wasn't, they would easily notice how truly empty he was; with his daily melodramatic acting, they couldn't look past the act long enough to notice.</p><p>And that was okay. He was okay.</p><p>
  <em>This was how it should be.</em>
</p><p>At least, that's what he told himself.</p><p>Rukia kicked Kon toward Ichigo, where Ichigo grabbed him by his face and threw him on his bed. Kon yelled dramatically, dragging out the vowels to make a scene.</p><p>"When are you gonna stop being so damn annoying?" Ichigo asked harshly, an exasperated expression on his face.</p><p>"When I die!" Kon responded. The statement itself was incredibly dark, but adding an obnoxious laugh for good measure, Ichigo and Rukia took it as another one of his antics.</p><p>"That'll be a day I can't wait to see." Ichigo muttered, scratching his head and proceeding to reach for a change of clothes. Rukia, similarly, entered the closet.</p><p>It... <em>hurt</em> to be ignored. Even though he knew he was being annoying on purpose, it made his throat clench and his eyes water, to see that they didn't care. That they <em>wanted</em> him to die. But, really... his eyes were buttons, his throat full of stuffing, none of his feelings were real.</p><p>The truth was, he did not feel pain in this body of a stuffed lion. The stuffed animal did not have any nerves that traveled to a brain to produce the sensation of pain. At most, he could feel what touched him.</p><p>He couldn't feel physical pain, he shouldn't feel physical pain, and yet whenever they threw him around like this, his heart ached.</p><p>His heart.</p><p>One he doesn't possess.</p><p>One he <em>couldn't</em> possess.</p><p><em>Why did he have to be such a burden, such a nuisance to Ichigo and Rukia? </em>Because in the end, that is all he was. He never contributed to anything. The only thing he accomplished was ruining everyone's day and complicating their lives. He was worthless. A waste of space.</p><p>He looked at Ichigo and Rukia, conversing with one another about something going on in the Soul Society.</p><p>Not that he knew anything. They never told him what was going on. He was always locked in this room, staring at the ceiling, the beige, beige ceiling.</p><p>He felt guilty for complaining about the room. He was given shelter – a place to call home. Ultimately, Ichigo and Rukia had saved him from inevitable death. Ichigo took on the burden of taking him in.</p><p>It was pity, of course.</p><p>…<em>Pity</em>. He wanted nothing to do with it. He was glad that Ichigo never treated him like a fragile thing he was sorry for, and although he can't say he liked the harsh way he was treated, it was enough. It was what he deserved. He deserved to be treated like trash, because that is all he was.</p><p>"Well, I've got a surprise for you in the Soul Society, Ichigo." Rukia says, matter-of-factly.</p><p>"What, they're destroying mod souls?!" Ichigo suggested, obviously as a joke, but it hurt.</p><p>Of course he wanted him gone. <em>They were better off without him, after all.</em></p><p>"Hey!" Kon remarked loudly in response, agitation in his tone.</p><p>Rukia looked like she stifled a giggle.</p><p>He stared at her for a while.</p><p>She was… <em>beautiful</em>. He loved it when she smiled or laughed. Something in his stomach - his nonexistent stomach - rose when she did that. They called it... butterflies in your stomach.</p><p>
  <em>…Butterflies.</em>
</p><p>He wondered if he would reside in the home of the black butterflies that sometimes reached Rukia. <em>Was there a place in the soul society for mod souls like him? What would happen to him if he was destroyed?</em></p><p>That was exactly what he feared from the start. <em>Death</em>. He had waited to be destroyed for years, it seemed, watching the rest of his kind getting taken one by one and never returning. <em>What was going to happen to him when he died? Killed by the same people who created him?</em> He just didn't know. And he was scared, terrified</p><p>of what lied beyond.</p><p>He smiled a little at a thought - even those who created him wanted him gone. It was funny, in its own twisted way.</p><p>...<em>Regret.</em></p><p>He felt regret for running away from annihilation. At that moment, instead of getting switched into a different package, he should have been destroyed. He should have died that day, surrounded by the hundreds of other mod souls screaming inside for salvation. It should've been him,</p><p>not them.</p><p>
  <em>Him, him, him.</em>
</p><p>He was so tired of himself. He wanted to get out.</p><p>He <em>needed</em> to get out.</p><p>Out of this goddamned body, out of the constant hateful words and acts of ignorance, out of the bleak and cruel world that only brought him pain and widened the hole in his nonexistent chest.</p><p>"Goodnight, Ichigo." Rukia said behind the closet door, already in her pajamas ready to sleep for the next day of school.</p><p>"Goodnight, Rukia." Came the response. Then, the shut of the light.</p><p>Neither ever said goodnight to Kon.</p><p>It was as if he wasn't even really a person to them. <em>But that's the funny thing, isn't it?</em> He isn't a person. He is a thing, a thing that should have never been created. A thing that needs to be destroyed.</p><p>
  <em>An ugly thing.</em>
</p><p>Ichigo never kicked him out of his bed during the night. At least, not intentionally.</p><p>But it was pity.</p><p>...<em>Pity</em>. He wanted nothing to do with it. It is not like he deserved it.</p><p>Not the bed he laid on, nor the body he controlled, and especially not the oxygen he breathed.</p><p>So... Every night, he stayed on the floor. He stared into the darkness, at the beige, beige ceiling.</p><p>It's not like he could sleep. A stuffed animal does not have the function to sleep. He could feign sleeping all he wanted, but it would never happen. The closest he ever got to it was staring into the beige, beige ceiling and fantasizing.</p><p>Fantasizing about somebody who loved him. Somebody who would tell him he wasn't trash, that he deserved to live, that they wanted him to live. He fantasized about a girl who would cuddle him and kiss his tears and tell him everything would be alright, a girl who would remind him that she loved him constantly and</p><p>worried about his feelings.</p><p>He wanted to feel her warmth and kiss her lips, start a family and happily grow old together.</p><p>Not that it would ever happen.</p><p>Not that it <em>could</em> ever happen.</p><p>It's not like he had a body of his own, much less a live one. Who would want to be with somebody as disgusting as him? He himself didn't want to either. He wanted nothing to do with himself. He wanted out.</p><p>
  <em>…Out.</em>
</p><p>He turned to his side, looking out the window where moonlight shown through. Reaching a hand out to a star, far far away, far away from this body, this room, this planet.</p><p>…<em>A star.</em></p><p> </p><p>If only he could be like a star,</p><p>whirling in his own destructive fire</p><p>that harmed no one</p><p>but himself.</p><p> </p><p>Maybe then the nights wouldn't be so long.</p><p>Maybe then he wouldn't be in pain.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. reminiscent of nothing</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p><em>"i survived. </em><br/>  <em>                             but i didn't want to."</em></p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The next morning.</p><p>Ichigo and Rukia went to school.</p><p>They were rushing - as usual - Ichigo jumping as he yanked his socks on and Rukia jumping out with toast in her mouth. She always yelled at him for being late, and he always groaned, complaining about how early it was and how annoying school was.</p><p>Kon could tell Ichigo hated going to school.</p><p>But every morning, he watched him and Rukia through the window of the room, as they walked away. Ichigo's arm draped over his shoulder, nonchalant with his schoolbag. Rukia lecturing him, her skirt flowing elegantly in the wind.</p><p>It was twisted... but sometimes... <em>Kon wished he could be Ichigo. </em></p><p>He wished he could be a normal person.</p><p>He wished he could feel something. Anything. It didn't matter what... he just didn't want to feel this emptiness anymore.</p><p> </p><p>Kon looked down at his hands.</p><p>...Fabric.</p><p>The clock ticked by, ticks of nothing, ticks whispering to him. Seconds merged into minutes, merged into hours, years. It felt like.</p><p>Kon climbed up to Ichigo's desk, the pencil holder, and reached for the</p><p>scissors.</p><p> </p><p>They were big. Fell out of his grasp several times, to the point that he got frustrated.</p><p>The round handles weren't meant for stuffed animals. Of course they weren't. They were meant for people. <em>Humans.</em></p><p>That of which... <em>Kon could never be. </em></p><p>He grimaced, grabbing the scissors by the pointed tips and exasperatedly jamming it into the leg of his body.</p><p> </p><p>Tear. ..</p><p>White.</p><p>Stuffing...</p><p>Nothing.</p><p>
  <em>He felt nothing.</em>
</p><p> </p><p>Staring at the large, gaping wound on his leg, revealing the white stuffing of his body... Kon wanted to scream. Because he hadn't felt a damn thing, not even after tearing himself apart.</p><p>He cried... in the most detached sense of the word. At the very least, sounds of weeping echoed the room, the dryness</p><p>of his eyes reminiscent</p><p>of nothing.</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>"Ichigo! How could you do this to him!?" Yuzu exclaimed.</p><p>"HAH!?" Ichigo yelled, incredibly annoyed as he couldn't even get home in peace. He switched his shoes at the door and walked inside, past Yuzu, who followed him angrily.</p><p>"Look!" She said, standing in front of her older brother to get his attention.</p><p>Ichigo sighed, but opened his eyes to see what all the fuss was about.</p><p>He blinked, once he saw that Yuzu was holding... <em>Kon</em>. Usually she would dress him up in frilly dresses, but this time, he was bare, only displaying a giant tear on his left leg.</p><p>"Did you do that, Yuzu?" Ichigo asked, raising an eyebrow. He was quite sure that Kon hadn't had that gash before he left for school in the morning... but honestly, he couldn't say for sure.</p><p>"ME!? It was <em>you!</em> He was in your room, on the floor, next to some scissors! How could you be so cruel, Ichigo!?" Yuzu exclaimed.</p><p>"W-Well... Maybe the scissors fell from my desk or something." Ichigo said, scratching his head. He gave a nervous chuckle.</p><p>"Hmmm... you think so? Poor thing." Yuzu said, looking away thoughtfully.</p><p>Ichigo took the chance to send a death glare in Kon's direction.</p><p>Kon shivered, feeling the anger</p><p>behind his eyes.</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>"Seriously, Kon!?" Ichigo yelled once inside his room, tossing Kon on his bed.</p><p>Usually, Kon would make a dramatic yelp once he hit the bed, but he really wasn't feeling it today.</p><p>"What's going on?" Rukia asked, opening the sliding door of the closet.</p><p>"This idiot was playing around with my scissors and hurt himself. Now I have to get Uryu to fix him up... God, you're such a pain, Kon." Ichigo said, annoyed.</p><p>Kon winced.</p><p>A pain... unwanted...</p><p>
  <em>unneeded.</em>
</p><p> </p><p>"I didn't ask you to help me." Kon muttered, sitting away from the two.</p><p>He wished he could go somewhere else, but he couldn't go outside, lest he'd want to be discovered for the freak that he was. And he hated that he felt so fucking stupid right now, in the body of a ridiculous stuffed animal. Who could ever take him seriously. It was humiliating...</p><p>Ichigo blinked at that response. It wasn't playful in the least, and it didn't take much to notice that Kon was angry.</p><p>Angry... well, Ichigo couldn't pinpoint the exact emotion, but he knew Kon was somehow upset. He glanced at Rukia, who shrugged. Neither had ever seen Kon like this... when he was upset, it was usually comical.</p><p>"Well, I don't need you spilling your stuffing all over my room." Ichigo said.</p><p>Rukia punched Ichigo's shoulder, evoking an "OW!" from him. He rubbed his shoulder, shooting a glare at her.</p><p>"Kon... is something wrong?" Rukia asked worriedly.</p><p>It was true that Kon was annoying, always a big pervert and getting on her nerves. But it would be a lie if she said that she didn't care for him, because she truly did. She knew it mustn't be easy to be a mod soul...</p><p>Kon looked down at the bed sheets, bland and empty colors. <em>What was he doing?</em> He couldn't let them know how he felt. He couldn't speak the truth his heart carried.</p><p> </p><p>Slowly, he turned around... and then lunged directly for Rukia's chest.</p><p>"I WAS JUST TRYING TO WRITE A LETTER FOR YOU RUKIA~! My love!" He yelled obnoxiously, a stupid smile on his face until Rukia stepped on his face onto the floor.</p><p>"You... idiot! I should have known!" She said angrily, stepping on him harder for good measure.</p><p>Kon couldn’t feel anything, but the clench of his heart.</p><p>And this, well... it was exactly what he had wanted to happen.</p><p> </p><p>He couldn't let them know</p><p>that he felt.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. to be human</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>
  <em>"Never have I ever dealt with anything more difficult than my own soul."</em>
</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The glare of glasses</p><p>reflecting the vividness of life.</p><p> </p><p>Kon only stared as Uryu worked on him, sewing needles and strings tying his wound together.</p><p>He wondered... what it would be like <em>to have real eyes. </em>Eyes to see the world through. To experience the world.</p><p>What it would be like... <em>to be seen by others</em>. Acknowledged as a person, with dreams, desires...</p><p>"How many times are you going to need my assistance? I am going to start charging soon." Uryu muttered, securing the next string a bit more harshly.</p><p>Kon wished he could say it hurt.</p><p>But it didn't.</p><p>"Don't look at me. If you're gonna charge somebody, then charge Kon." Ichigo said, typing away on his phone.</p><p>Uryu rolled his eyes, securing the last string harshest of all.</p><p>"Oh, that's great. How is a stuffed animal going to pay me?"</p><p>Right. <em>How could a stuffed animal do anything remotely human?</em></p><p>"Relax. I'll pay you." Kon said, sitting at the edge of Uryu’s desk, legs dangling.</p><p>Ichigo's typing stopped, and he glanced at Kon.</p><p>"Don't make me laugh. How are you gonna get any money?" A crooked smirk adorned his features, as he laughed at him.</p><p>Kon knew that Ichigo never meant any harm. But his words could be very hurtful. His eyes, saying...</p><p>
  <em>Don't ever pretend to be human.</em>
</p><p> </p><p>Plush legs dangling over the desk, Kon stared at the wound on his leg. Easily stitched back together, intricate sewing work, back and forth, back and forth.</p><p>He wondered... if he had a real body, a real leg, if this would have been different. If the wound would have been serious. If he would have felt pain. <em>If someone would have worried about him</em>.</p><p>But it was no use thinking about it. Because he could never be a person. And just as Ichigo said, there was no way he could get money of his own, because he was a joke... a burden, who always needed to be cared for by others, who could never accomplish anything on his own.</p><p> </p><p>Kon stared down at the floor, a pretty white color, diamonds of stories and steps and life. It seemed so far away, his little plush legs so high up. If he fell from here... <em>well, nothing would happen, right? </em></p><p>This wasn't a real body after all.</p><p>But... maybe his soul would escape this vessel, and he would be nothing more than a little ball again. Unable to move, unable to be, only... <em>trapped</em>. In the truest sense of the word.</p><p>He wondered if it would be less painful. To watch the world, unable to move, unable to be... rather than now.</p><p>Did it hurt more... to have no hope, or</p><p>did it hurt more to be so close to your hopes, that it's almost in your grasp.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>Slip. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Air. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Falling. </em>
</p><p>The screech of a chair pushed backwards. Uryu's shocked expression, as he tried to reach for Kon, but was a second too late.</p><p> </p><p>Kon collided with the ends,</p><p>soul escaping the mouth of the lion,</p><p>rolling silence and emptiness.</p><p>In a moment, he lost all movement, only but a blue ball on the floor.</p><p> </p><p>It didn't hurt.</p><p> </p><p>The shuffling of steps.</p><p>Laughter and symphony of voices.</p><p>Sliding of the door and entrance of humanity.</p><p>The students had started to come back into the classroom after lunch, dozens of them, conversing, unbeknownst of the silent soul below them.</p><p>The dawning of a shoe above him.</p><p> </p><p>Nothing had hurt him before.</p><p>But maybe... this time, <em>it would hurt.</em></p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. free of shackles</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>
  <em> "My thoughts were<br/>destroying me.<br/>I tried not to think<br/>but the silence<br/>was a killer too."</em>
</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The squeak of sneakers, hastily turning...</p><p>Bending of knees, reaching to save</p><p>the soul of unfortunate desires.</p><p> </p><p>Kon felt a warm hand embrace him,</p><p>hold him securely in his palm,</p><p>safe from the dangers and fragility</p><p>of his existence.</p><p> </p><p>"Woah, what's that, Ichigo!? I almost smushed that thing!" Keigo said, laughing and leaning in close to Ichigo's closed fist with curiosity. "Is it a ball of gum? Just for me~?"</p><p> </p><p>The tightening of his hand,</p><p>holding his soul closer.</p><p> </p><p>Kon would be lying if he said it didn't feel good.</p><p>Because it did.</p><p>It felt good to feel wanted. <em>To be needed.</em></p><p> </p><p>"It fell on the floor. Why would you still want it?" Ichigo lied, rolling his eyes as he feigned nonchalantly stuffing Kon's soul into his pocket.</p><p>"Three second rule!" Keigo exclaimed, reaching a hand into Ichigo's pocket but being slapped away.</p><p>"Forget it, Keigo." Ichigo muttered. Keigo was about to pout, until he noticed something.</p><p>"Huh? What's this?" He asked, raising an eyebrow. Ichigo followed his gaze to find the lion plush on the floor, on its side.</p><p>Staring at it, it seemed entirely void...</p><p>buttons of blackness,</p><p>stitches of strings.</p><p>Kon wasn't in there anymore.</p><p> </p><p>"U-Uh..." Ichigo stammered, not knowing what to say. He couldn't admit the toy was his, or they would laugh at him... but he couldn't let Kon's body be taken, either.</p><p>"Oh! My poor little plush."</p><p>Rukia's soft, feminine voice entered the classroom. She skipped over to Kon, elegantly kneeling down and picking him up to her chest. "How I missed you so!"</p><p>"Awwww...! Our Rukia is so cuuuute!" Keigo said, fake tears in his eyes at the touching scene. Ichigo rolled his eyes at how fake the whole performance was.</p><p>Regardless, he couldn't deny the breath of relief that escaped him.</p><p>It was true that Kon was a pain, but he really did care for the little guy.</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>The bell rung, signifying the end of the school day.</p><p>Ichigo hadn't had the chance to return Kon to his body, with the constant eyes of his schoolmates and teacher in the classroom. Further, Rukia was in possession of the plush, tucked safely in her schoolbag.</p><p>The two started to walk away from the school gates, Rukia taking out Kon from her bag and staring at it for a moment before turning to Ichigo.</p><p>"What happened, Ichigo? How could you let Kon fall on the floor like that?" Rukia asked, a bite in her tone.</p><p>Ichigo let out an exasperated groan. "Ugh. Why is everyone blaming me for Kon's antics?" He groaned. "It wasn't me! Kon fell by himself!"</p><p>He pulled out the blue ball from his pocket, forcefully grabbing the plush by the neck and angrily stuffing the ball inside the mouth.</p><p>Kon let out a choking sound at his soul being stuffed inside the body, so harshly.</p><p><em>Staring eyes.</em> One set pondering,</p><p>the other irritated.</p><p>"Were you trying to get yourself killed, Kon!?" Ichigo yelled angrily.</p><p>
  <em>... Was he?</em>
</p><p>He didn’t quite know.</p><p>Because Kon couldn't deny, that it felt better to not <em>be</em>. To be trapped in nothing but his soul. Protected by the encasing of Ichigo's pocket, with no worries, no longing...</p><p>Staring past Ichigo and Rukia, at the shuffling of students passing by, conversing and laughing and living their lives. <em>Kon desperately wished he could be like them.</em></p><p>And if he couldn't... <em>was it worth it to live a life as purposeless as this one? As painful?...</em></p><p>He did not know the answer to that. Although the cries of his heart... demanded otherwise. Demanded for the pain to stop.</p><p>He wondered... if Ichigo hadn't saved him in time... if the student had crushed his existence... <em>where would he be now?</em></p><p>
  <em>Would he be in the soul society?</em>
</p><p>...No. The soul society had no place for mod souls like him. He... <em>was a mistake.</em></p><p>
  <em>An unwanted mistake. </em>
</p><p>Perhaps then... he would be one with the destructive stars of blackness. Not feeling. Not being.</p><p>He... kind of wished that Ichigo hadn't saved him.</p><p>
  <em>Not now... not before. </em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>"WELL!?"</p><p>Ichigo's yelling voice pulled Kon out of his trance.</p><p>These days, he really didn't have the energy to keep his act up. His fake cheery voice, his fake smiles and comical antics. He just wanted...</p><p>
  <em>to disappear. </em>
</p><p>"I was dizzy because Uryu had just sewn up my leg, can't you cut me some slack, Ichigo!?" Kon said, feigning anger. Ichigo slightly loosened his grip on Kon, starting to feel a bit of pity.</p><p>"And also... a cute girl had just passed by! OH, my weak heart~!" Kon swooned, wiggling left and right, as he usually did.</p><p>"KON....!!!! I'M NOT SAVING YOUR SORRY ASS NEXT TIME!" Ichigo yelled, throwing Kon on the ground. "YOU'RE MORE TROUBLE THAN YOU'RE WORTH!"</p><p>He and Rukia marched off, towards their home.</p><p>Kon let himself lay on the ground for a little while, staring up at the bright blue sky.</p><p> </p><p>Clouds of freedom,</p><p>drifting along the happy blues</p><p>molded into endless possibilities</p><p>in this realm.</p><p> </p><p>Kon wished</p><p>he could be like a cloud…</p><p> </p><p>free of shackles</p><p>and void of emptiness.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Cold</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Soon enough</p>
<p>it started to rain.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Droplets of feelings</p>
<p>vessels of substance</p>
<p>dispersing to explore</p>
<p>the intricacies</p>
<p>of the world.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Kon felt the water hit his body.</p>
<p><em>Felt.</em> Barely.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Students walked out of the school gates, holding umbrellas, carrying their bags. Kon turned his head to get a better look at them. They were talking, sharing umbrellas, sharing the intimate space with one another.</p>
<p>Other than the occasional shoe stepping near him and splashing rainwater, Kon was alone.</p>
<p>
  <em>Even in his home, he was alone... </em>
</p>
<p>The chatter of voices, ringing of schoolbells, shuffling of backpacks... as much as Kon wished he could be part of it, as much as he wished he could experience life as a person, he would never be able to.</p>
<p>
  <em>Step. </em>
</p>
<p>For a moment, Kon's world went black. The compression of a shoe on his vessel relentlessly pressing onto his blue soul - it hurt like a bitch. Unbelievable pain, he had never felt before. He realized, that perhaps Rukia didn’t step on him with as much force as he thought she did.</p>
<p>"Ew, what did I just step on?"</p>
<p>"Who knows how long that thing has been out here. Just leave it there."</p>
<p>"Haha, you're right."</p>
<p>The chattering of students was heard, becoming softer and softer as they walked away... as did the pain, slowly, throbbing away.</p>
<p>The rain continued to drench Kon, and he couldn't find the energy to move. He laid, staring up at the clouds as the drops of water hit him and dispersed into the world. But he would never be able to see the world, to experience it.</p>
<p>If only he could just... halt his existence. Shut his soul.</p>
<p>He wasn't sure he wanted to be here anymore.</p>
<p>But if there was one thing that made him feel alive... it was the pain he had just felt.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>***</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Kon had barely found the energy to walk home, in the middle of the night. The rain had stopped, and it was dark. No one was in the street... and honestly, he didn't care if someone saw him anymore. <em>What would they do? Sell him to get experimented?</em> Maybe, at least then, there would be some purpose to his life.</p>
<p>He didn't know why he was alive.</p>
<p>He didn't know where he was going...</p>
<p>Ichigo's window, was opened barely, slightly - but enough. It was intentional... Ichigo never often left his window open.</p>
<p>
  <em>Did he leave it open for me? To come back home? </em>
</p>
<p>Kon thought this, but he shook his head. Ichigo had said such mean words to him before abandoning him in the street. He didn't want him to come back. Maybe he <em>shouldn't</em> go back...</p>
<p>But he couldn't deny that he was inexplicably tired. Tearing his fabric, falling from the desk, experiencing pain for the first time in a long time. He wanted to lay on the comfortable mattress of Ichigo's bed and rest his eyes.</p>
<p>Even if it wasn't real. Even if he didn't deserve it. Even if it was selfish.</p>
<p>
  <em>He could be selfish for his last days, couldn't he? </em>
</p>
<p>That thinking only reaffirmed Kon's thinking that he deserved to leave this world. All he was... was a selfish, purposeless burden.</p>
<p>He dejectedly dragged himself, sideways, through the small opening in Ichigo's window. And then suddenly, he felt himself grabbed and pulled inside the room. A hand that clutched his vessel harshly and - ah, that familiar throbbing pain, but very far-away this time.</p>
<p>The lights turned on, and he found Ichigo staring at him angrily. The closet door slid opened, and there was a sleepy but similarly angry Rukia.</p>
<p>"Where the hell were you, Kon?!" Rukia yelled.</p>
<p>"Yeah, any longer and I would have shut the window! It's freezing!" Ichigo added.</p>
<p>Kon couldn't find it in himself to answer. Wasn't <em>able</em> to. Because those words... the worry behind them... he didn't know how to handle it. Why would they be worried about him? <em>Were they actually...?</em> Or maybe, they just felt pity and responsibility for the pathetic being they saved so long ago. <em>Maybe looking after him is so tiring... </em></p>
<p>"Well?" Ichigo tried again, to get an answer.</p>
<p>"...You don't have to look out for me." Kon whispered.</p>
<p>He knew he should keep lying, wear a mask over himself as he usually did. But he couldn't today. He was tired.</p>
<p>"Of course we have to look out for you. I told Urahara we would make sure you don't cause any trouble." Rukia said.</p>
<p>...Oh.</p>
<p>
  <em>Of course. </em>
</p>
<p>"Ugh, did you fall in a ditch or what?" Ichigo said with disgust, feeling the drenching, dirty rainwater and stains on Kon's body. He had dirtied Ichigo's hands. Inconvenienced him again.</p>
<p>
  <em>I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. </em>
</p>
<p>"How annoying." Ichigo said, taking Kon and getting up from his bed.</p>
<p>"Where are you going, Ichigo?" Rukia asked.</p>
<p>"I can't have him dirtying my room. I'm gonna wash him." Ichigo said, annoyance in his voice.</p>
<p>On one side, Kon felt happy that Ichigo wanted to take care of him. On the other, he knew that Ichigo didn't want to do this. He was doing this for himself, for his own room. Kon was only being an annoyance, hindering his sleep, taking his energy.</p>
<p>Stupid, so stupid.</p>
<p>Ichigo turned on the water, letting it fill the tub. Kon watched as Ichigo felt the water temperature, looked up at his tired eyes, obviously wanting to be asleep.</p>
<p>He plunged Kon into the water, and Kon could feel the water entering the stuffed lion's throat and touch his blue soul. The water was warm. It was a strange feeling... and underwater, he could only see Ichigo through a hazy gaze, manipulated by the water. He wondered what he would see, when he wasn't anymore.</p>
<p>Rising and being plunged again, the pressure of it caused his blue soul to rise out of the stuffed lion's throat and stay floating upwards. Just like that, again, Kon was disconnected from his vessel. Unable to move, only seeing, moving along the current of the water as Ichigo scrubbed his vessel with soap. He watched as the dirt left the vessel... Ichigo's tired, sluggish movements.</p>
<p>Dragged by the currents of the water, Kon felt that way everyday. The days passing by, his soul taken by life, affected but not affecting in return. Watching Ichigo get older and Rukia get stronger and yet remaining a constant himself, remaining a purposeless burden.</p>
<p>...</p>
<p>Once Ichigo was done washing Kon's vessel, he unplugged the drain for it to take the water. But he forgot about Kon's soul, still floating in the water.</p>
<p>Kon felt himself dragged with the water, circling and circling... he wondered, <em>what would happen if he went in the drain? Would he be crushed, eventually perished away by the chemicals and waste? Would he disappear?</em></p>
<p>...It would be an unfortunate accident.</p>
<p>"K-Kon!"</p>
<p>Ichigo's scared voice he suddenly heard. And then he was scooped up from the water right above the drain.</p>
<p>Ichigo's hands were slightly shaking, and he quickly dried Kon's soul and inserted it into the stuffed lion.</p>
<p>Kon could move again, could see clearly. He felt as Ichigo clutched him harshly, shaking him.</p>
<p>"Why didn't you say anything, you almost went down the drain you stupid stuffed animal!" Ichigo yelled, shaking him more.</p>
<p>Throb. Hurt. <em>Pain.</em></p>
<p>Ichigo's thumb was pressing against his vessel's fabric, onto the placement of his soul. The pressure of it hurt. And it distracted him from the pain he was feeling, always. The pain of not feeling. The pain of having wanted to disappear down the drain. The pain of being silent.</p>
<p>Ichigo's pondering gaze, questioning, puzzled. Kon knew he had to start acting like himself. He had acted too strange today. He couldn't be found out. Not before he... he couldn't say it.</p>
<p>"Oh yeah and what mouth was I gonna use to speak!?" Kon yelled.</p>
<p>Ichigo gripped him harsher - hurt - but quickly loosened and let out a sigh of relief. "Fine, I guess you're right. It was my fault, I forgot you were still in the water. Sorry."</p>
<p>The apology was awkward, but sincere, Kon could tell.</p>
<p>Maybe Ichigo felt responsibility for Kon. Kon knew he felt pity for him. Maybe... it was up to Kon to release him from this burden.</p>
<p>"Did you clean him?" Rukia asked as Ichigo entered his room. Her voice was tired and sleepy.</p>
<p>"Yeah." Ichigo responded. He opened the window, holding Kon and some string.</p>
<p>"What are you doing?" Rukia asked.</p>
<p>"Well, he has to dry... but he's gotten in a lot of accidents lately. Haven't you, Kon?!" Ichigo saud accusingly.</p>
<p>In the past few days, there had been several instances where he almost lost his life. It was true. <em>But were they really accidents?</em></p>
<p>Ichigo tied Kon to the window outside, to let him dry, but also so that he wouldn't fall.</p>
<p>"You should be dry by morning. Sorry, Kon." Ichigo said.</p>
<p>The sky seemed empty of stars tonight. Kon thought this, as he stared upwards, while Ichigo and Rukia slept. He wished he could go to sleep, but he couldn't... could only stare at the world through sad lenses.</p>
<p>The cold wind entered his vessel, brushed his soul. He wondered if death had a similar cold touch. Looking down, several feet down to the ground, he tried to move, but was tied tightly to the window.</p>
<p>And he couldn't hold it in anymore. He cried, and cried, in the night.</p>
<p>He was cold, and he didn’t want to feel it anymore.</p>
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